All or none : an observation
Throughout the journey of my life I’ve often heard:
“Almost”
“Not quite”
“Too much”
No one has ever been brave enough to say “Not good enough”. Or at least not to my face that I can recall (insert shrug). And even though I often pretended not to hear the snide remarks, or unsubtle put-downs, it was often there: shaming disapproval swimming beneath a polite but tumultuous surface, usually disturbed by my ill-timed, defensive interjections.
My timid protests were usually swallowed in the volume of their censure as they gave scathing remarks and their opinion on my life and what they considered to be disappointing results and even worse, a reflection of poor character. In their estimation, I was always lacking and they were seemingly hell-bent on invalidating any and all forms of my perception until I no longer trusted my own eyes, ears, or voice but instead, clung to theirs.
“You ask too many questions.”
“Its not what you say, its how you say it.”
“You misunderstood…”
“You're too sensitive.”
“You think too much.”
“You’re argumentative and unpleasant.”
“I like people that don’t —- (insert various dislikes stated by various people, each with their own preference that I clearly didn’t fit).”
“Wow! You're weird/crazy…..” (in response to something I’ve said or done that didn’t align with their idea of who I should be or how I should behave based on expected and usually, stereotypical, norms).
Their boldness in speech included a tilted head and squinted gaze as they measured me against whatever was the basis of their standard, until the real me was a blur and their preferred view of me came into focus.
Their intent was clear and during my worst days, I agreed with their premise: tear me down and gather the scraps to rebuild me in any image other than the one my Creator bestowed.
Since love had always felt rare, when it was given, it had strict conditions. So in my pitiful esteem, “they” knew better than “I”. I was unworthy of loyalty or protection. As a person and individual, something about me was off and wrong… In my mind, that had to be reason for my overall negative feelings and other people's intolerance or lack of acceptance. That also had to be the reason for the many mistakes I made.
All of these beliefs led me to always make myself small.
(insert eye-roll)
My Self-hatred was transformed by a Divine L💜ve
What’s marvelous about the Lord is that in every difficult season, He has been showing me, ME, but not solely in a way to bring about conviction, although that is certainly part. He has been showing me the beauty in myself, the Yve that HE created, and through the process of sanctification, He is restoring the image of Himself inside of me that was planted long ago, when I first put my faith in Him. He has leveraged the pain caused by others and unfortunate circumstances, to bring Truth and clarity to my perspective.
Growth is a process and healing doesn’t come overnight, especially in those times where deep wounds arent a simple repair, but a full transplant is needed. As for me, I needed God to give me a new heart ❤️. The old one was so bruised & broken.
On God's operating table I have been cut. And the pruning will continue even though at times I have felt utterly destroyed, ripped apart until there’s nothing left. But even with a wince or two here or there, I know the result is the masterpiece that’s been in progress for nearly 40 years: Yve. A WHOLE Me.
““This is what the LORD says: “’I will restore the fortunes of Jacob’s tents and have compassion on his dwellings; the city will be rebuilt on her ruins, and the palace will stand in its proper place.”
Its important to know that life has an ebb & flow. There’s something new in every season: Lessons to be learned & more healing to be had.
A case study:
I received the Word, in chapter 30 of Jeremiah, from the Lord in a very recent and dark moment, during a time when I felt absolutely wrecked by my own decisions and the havoc caused by mine and others’ sin. As I licked savagely re-opened wounds and then subsequently reeled from the unexpected pain of another betrayal, the gentle prodding of the Lord taught me that I’m not a garbled, rotting mess, doomed to repeat mistake after mistake…nor is my life a wasted note🎵 in an otherwise perfectly arranged orchestral ensemble 🎼.
I may not have control over other people, but thru the power of His Holy Spirit, I absolutely have control over myself. Circumstances and pain had caused me to regress (for a time!) and I was drowning in illogical thinking. I willfully opened mental tombs and dug up a graveyard of false and limiting beliefs, initially planted in my subconscious thru many years of sin, bitterness, & pain. They were the lies about myself and others that the enemy had been cultivating in my life since childhood. And when I had taken my eyes off Jesus, even for the briefest of moments, I began to sink and the enemy ramped up his attacks with nuclear darts and arrows on steroids.
But then the Holy Spirit blew a fresh wind and a new Word and I was told that to get to the next level of maturity, I had to permanently close doors.
To accept God at His Word meant it was waaaay past time I eschewed the filthy garments that covered me in bad guidance and release my death grip on an unfulfilling love that wasnt love at all. While trouble and difficult relationships can affect anyone, my on-going victimization was a choice I could say a clear “NO” to, instead of letting it kill me from the inside out.
A “no” is a decision that can bring exposure to what was previously unknown. Some of the folks that my growing “no” disturbed & exposed may have been well-meaning, although, they were clearly lacking in self-awareness. Others were more obvious with their contempt but were revealed as being used by the enemy to kill, steal, and destroy the very spirit God gave me for my purpose. It was no wonder that too often I had felt a deadness inside—being emotionally numb was part of the enemy’s plan for me all along! But NONE of the people being used for evil had the authority to speak over my life, and they had no right to try to convince me that I had to become what they deemed worthy, in order to be fully loved, and fully accepted on their terms.
Point blank period: I have purpose, worth, and inherent value. And walking out that belief includes, nay, it necessitates what for me, must be radical self-acceptance.
Ive also had to understand the simple fact that Jesus was the only perfect One to walk the earth and the rest of us can and will make mistakes. We all sin. We all fall short and if folks want to hold things over my head….(insert an image of a foot kicking scrambling rocks).
Nowadays, I move with an unforced rhythm. I step with faith, and walk with confidence, knowing that I am who God says I am, and I was never meant to endure demeaning or disrespectful treatment aimed at getting me to shrink down or become someone different.
As Lauryn Hill once remarked, “You can’t ask 2/3 of me to come in and the rest of me stay outside.”
Its all of me. Or nothing.
Extreme?
Maybe.
But righteously on time.
Since God can bring water from a rock, He can (and did!) call LIFE out of me too.
Until the next time,
Yve
